ModernGear Women: Denim Just Don'ts

Jeans and a tee, blouse or sweater will never go out of style. And thank goodness for that, really.

But with so many designers and price points to choose from, it can be a daunting task to find a pair of jeans that are just right. It can also be as depressing as swimsuit shopping, if you're not model perfect. With perseverance and homework, though, there's no reason a woman can't find something to make her butt sing, at low, medium and designer prices.

However, this little post isn't about Denim Dos - that will come some time soon. And it's frankly about more than a Denim Don't. The jeans I have found for you, dear readers (in my humble opinion) look so bad they qualify as, "Denim...Oh please...Just Don'ts..."

Exhibit A
Designer: Rich & Skinny
Style: Flashy High Rise Carmine
Price: From $198 down to $59

The main concern I have with this style really focuses smack on the...how shall I say this...crotch-eral region. High waist jeans always seem to make this area a little more prominent, shall we say. The jeans are by Rich & Skinny but I am sorry, I don't care how rich and skinny you are, there's just no excuse for a cameltoe...or even the hint of one. These simply do not leave enough to the imagination, and I can bet they'd be incredibly uncomfortable for the wearer. No-one wants to spend their time trying to nonchalantly get things out from where they're not supposed to be, ifyouknowwhatimean.

EXHIBIT B
Designer: J Brand
Style: Hi Rise Indigo 212
Price: $187

No matter how you slice it, I just plain don't think these are a flattering jean. They certainly are not on this stick-thin model and if they don't look good on her, imagine how they'll lay on a normal woman - you know, one who actually likes food and is blessed with the gifts of thighs and hips? I guess my real moral problem is yet again with the high waist. We've agreed with designers for some time now that we just don't need that extra fabric. This is about the final proof.

EXHIBIT C
Designer: J Brand
Style: The Doll High Waisted 22" Bell Jean
Price: $209
I'm not sure about these ones...they are actually borderline acceptable to me. I think what bothers me enough to include them in this list is the tight tight fit in the hips (we're nearing muffin top territory) then the tight tight fit in the thighs, then WHAM we open up into the totally wide leg. The proportion seems off to me.

EXHIBIT D
Designer: Citizens of Humanity
Style: Stanyan High Rise Wide Leg Jean
Price: $242

Now we're getting into a double fashion faux pas, though I have to add the disclaimer "in my opinion" because I hear it's very hot this season. Light denim, meets high waist...and together, they make one fug pair of pants. I think we ought to leave light denim, to say nothing of high waists, back in the 70s when we didn't know any better. I just can't imagine why it's being brought back.

EXHIBIT E
Designer: Dittos
Style: Chastity Wide Leg
Price: $240

This model has an amazing body and actually makes these ones look good but aye, there's the rub. Not enough women who look like this one will be wearing these pants. Unfortunately, more women who look like they're smuggling a bag of potatoes underneath their jeans will favour the style, for some reason. I know, I saw one last weekend at The Grove in Los Angeles, and, well, it was not a pretty sight. Let's just say she caught my husband's eye first and he, who is not usually of a catty nature, could only stand and point, mouth agape, eyes wide with an expression of horror.

EXHIBIT F
Designer: J Brand
Style: Kat Wide Leg Midnight
Price: $218

And this leads me to my final exhibit in the making of my Denim Please Don'ts case. I don't mind this style in theory and actually even in practice, when hemmed about an inch so I can see whether you're wearing shoes, house slippers or
might have an extra toe. Take Katie Holmes here. They aren't jeans, but you get the point. I am sure she has on a fabulous pair of shoes but I really have no idea. I'd like to see them, really, I would.

I just cannot for the life of me understand how you can justify dropping your hard-earned cash on a pair of jeans and then not finishing them properly...or wearing them with platform shoes, as Sarah Michelle Gellar does here. She looks great, I think.

I haven't gotten to skinny jeans or green jeans or jeans with holes in them, but they seem to offend me less than the above-noted styles, so for the time being I'll leave my list at this.